All the crises are over. I have played with fire, been burnt and since I cannot make amends, all that is left is for me to see if I can learn something from this experience.
First, it is not a bad thing to be single. Single does not mean alone, nor does it necessarily mean "looking for someone to make life complete"; it just means single. Responsible for oneself, and, if one can or must, those around oneself.
Second, if you have a desperately difficult choice to make, then either make it or walk away. If that choice involves hurting other people, then make it quickly with as much information as possible, then have no regrets about it: this applies also and specifically to implicit choices too. If that choice involves hurting yourself, then make it in the acceptance that you are responsible for your own life and you created the paths that led to that choice needing to be made. If you're responsible, you accept consequences. Period.
Third, love comes in many forms at many times in your life. And an overwhelming passion can be just that; something that pushes aside all the quieter loves that you both receive and should give. I have not spent enough time with my friends or my family, not acknowledged the support that they offered or the advice that they quietly tried to give. Although I'm not sure how many of them said "go to Philadelphia" knowing that this would bring everything to a head and into focus, I suspect some of them knew (and I might thank them later. Much later).
And fourth, you never really know someone 'til you've been through the mill with them. And even then you don't. We are the sum of our actions not our gestures, and bluff threat tease promise have no validity on their own except to change the mindstates of others and be played out over time.
And last, I do have moral boundaries. I'm too blind or stupid to see them sometimes, but when pushed, they're there. I have reset my moral compass; I am not proud of my recent behaviour but it has happened, I have learnt from it and the onus on me now is not to forget. That, and to repair whatever damage I can and then never ever forget who I am again.
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2 comments:
No you don't have moral boundaries. You don't even know what it means to have them. You will make the same kinds of mistakes again because your fundamental nature is to give in to temptation. And that is why you are single.
P.S. If you thought that was a bluff, or merely a threat, then you know nothing about me. Not only would I do it, the more I read of what you write, the more likely it becomes. In fact that "bluff threat tease promise have no validity on their own except to change the mindstates of others and be played out over time." reads like a dare.
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