Tuesday, 29 April 2008

Wife or Girlfriend?

I've been asked to make a choice. Well, we all make choices every day; what to eat for supper, what to wear, which point to cross the road at, what colour pen to use. But this is a choice with a capital C; one of those points in my life at which, though recoverable with much effort, the path in my life can split in several different directions.

And so the choice. Do I become at last, possibly, the girlfriend of the other most amazing man I've ever met (reader, I married the first) and become all I can be to match him, or become the wife of the man who could finally bring my restless heart to peace ('girlfriend', 'wife'; these are shorthand not literal at the moment). These are high stakes; do I potentially sacrifice my creativity for my sanity, or potentially sacrifice my sanity for my creativity; it's not quite that stark a choice, but these are the poles involved. Live fast, die young and leave a good-looking oeuvre, or live long and leave a happy microworld. Canapes or fairycakes, smart or wise, intellectually or physically active, totally independent or totally rooted; women have faced these choices since long before ladies in frilly crinolines started writing about them, and sexual independence has done nothing to make them any more rare or less difficult. This is of course my head talking; my heart has an entirely different take on the matter, composed mainly of past hurts and current passions with a small side-order of hope. Wife or girlfriend? Either might work, either might fail, either might give a few months or a lifetime of happiness and unhappiness for a pair of people, either might slowly become the other. All I know now is that I don't know enough about myself to know which one I really am, but I'd better sort it out soon before I cause too much damage, even if I have to say 'neither'.

No comments: