Monday, 7 April 2008

Le Moyen Morte

I feel like death today. The day started well enough; relaxed, refreshed, positive. Continued in the same vein. But something went a bit wrong this afternoon (I've identified it now; it's a food problem again) and the black thoughts started closing in, taking my active working brain and making it immobile again. So it's been hurting. My heart; my soul, both deathly sore, and me sitting on my hands, going through the motions, trying to survive long enough to sleep and feel better in the morning. I ate aspartame today; the big baddy... normally I check everything that goes near me, but my bf bought me a drink and I was partway through before the alarmbells started ringing. So that's it for a while; I already feel chemically down, and I'll just have to wait and see if my body can cope with it physically yet without shutting itself down.

And the heart? Part of something else. Self-reliance is a sometimes forgotten activity; it's too easy to look for external answers, external support when what you really need is to girn your loins, set your face, gather up your heart and work it all out for yourself. It's not a bad thing to have someone there, especially if they're that person in the world that you really want to share it with, but first you need to find the strength inside before sharing. As I also keep saying, you can't help anyone else if you can't look after yourself first. So onwards...

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